Jun. 22nd, 2011

michals: (not some set of lyrics)
I'm still trying to make sense out of my feeling towards Ryan Dunn's death. I know part of that has been anger towards all the people who feel the need to point out that Dunn was probably drunk and that his drunk driving killed himself and another person and could have hurt others. I know it's a reasonable thing to point out but... Zach Hartwell was probably just as drunk as Dunn, and he got into a car with a drunk driver, and really, Ryan's dead, he paid for his mistake with his life. It just feels wrong to try and slap him on the wrist when he isn't alive to hear it. If he had walked away from the crash, or even was injured, and his friend hadn't survived, sure then he'd deserve the shit but as it is...God, I mean, Mel fucking Gibson could have been driving that car and I still wouldn't feel right pointing out that he was drunk. I think when you pay for a mistake with your life, you get a reprieve on the chastising, at least until after the funeral.

And that's one of the big reasons I am really not loving Roger Ebert right now. Really, the man posted that tweet about jackasses driving drunk 3 hours after the news came out, he must've known that it was a potentially offensive thing to say and what kills me is, were he just some nobody with a Twitter saying stupid stuff it wouldn't have mattered, but Roger Ebert gets press. Of course that would have got noticed, not just by fans, but people like Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O and other people who have Twitter and, ya know, ears. People who were his friends and who loved him. Particularly Bam. I don't blame Bam in the slightest for lashing out, his best friend since childhood was killed and some douchebag is basically saying he died because he was stupid. If you follow my Twitter you know I've been, er, kind of vocal about this, to Ebert.

Which kind of feeds into the other part, which is that I'm just upset because, God, it's like I know these guys. I've been with these guys since 2000, through show after show and movie after movie and even special after special. Mostly I'm depressed because I really liked Ryan Dunn. If the Jackass and Viva La Bam boys were like people I knew, they would be the crazy guys at school that I only hung out with once in a while, and I'd watch them do their crazy shit but never had the courage to join them, and Dunn would be the quiet guy, the cute guy that I had a crush on because he was smart and funny and seemed pretty decent underneath all the crazy. So yeah, I hate that Ryan died, but then again I'm upset because now it's like I know all those boys who are hurting right now. It's like I'm hurting for them.

Okay, that's weird and probably creepy. But, it's like I was saying after Heath Ledger died. Ryan Dunn and Heath Leger were not just nobody celebrities I didn't care about, they weren't someone I would read about every once in a while and forget about. I was invested in them. I think things that we spend a lot of time on and energy on imprint themselves on our soul or whatever amounts to a soul in our head, and whether or not it sounds ridiculous, Jackass, Ryan Dunn and even Heath Leger left imprints on me. Heath was small but Jackass and Dunn were definitely much bigger.

Maybe some of the shock comes from that weird disconnect between the fantasy life of celebrities and the everyday that we all go through. Really, Ryan Dunn's death affects me like a fly landing on my arm compared to how much it hurt to learn about my friend Dylan's death last October (and I think the fact that I went through that makes this hurt less, I haven't cried like I did when Warren Zevon died) but at the same time, it's just as surreal. It's like I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow and it won't be like this didn't happen, but everything that happens after won't actually happen, that Dunn will just magically be fine, like when you're playing a computer game and you don't save so the next time you start it up you're still in the same place even though you went through those levels already. Like we all live in this gray little world but all these people we love but don't really know are in this other, black and white place where they're not touched with all our dumb little problems. We think our heroes and idols and celeb crushes will just live forever in some vacuum. I'm a filmmaker, I know how to idealize and turn things into fantasy, car crashes happen, people die, but the actors themselves are always fine. They're always walking away from the stunts and explosions drinking a mocha latte and wearing bathrobes in their trailers.

So it's been hard for me to process what I'm feeling exactly. I'm angry that someone I liked is being trash talked because he died, I'm sad that someone I liked is dead at all and I'm really sad that it feels like people I know and love are hurting and I'm weirded out by feeling so damn much over someone I've probably never shared a time zone with. I still feel the worse for Bam, I'm still really aching to find out how he's doing because I think I'm actually worried about him. He makes it hard to like him, he really is a massive douchebag, but again, how can I hate him when I feel like I've grown up with him? He's the ringleader of that gang of boys with the great ideas and the drive to do them, but is still a spoiled brat who bitches and moans when people aren't paying attention to him, but that just makes him more human. It was actually reassuring to see his tweets to Ebert because he was being himself, and as much as I want to see him show some real emotion over this instead of his usual temper tantrum, it would be scary to see anything other than his hissy fit because that just wouldn't be the guy I knew.

Yeah, hi crazy-stalker-fan-lady, I know. I kind of hate posting introspective shit like this because I'm never sure if I come off like I'm just thinking and typing, or if I'm just crazy and you're all just wondering what the hell is wrong with me, haha. Nevertheless, I really miss Ryan already, and I miss all the good times the boys had that I loved watching and mourn all the potential good times that probably won't happen now, at least not without the specter of this hanging over it. I think I'll leave this my default icon for a little while longer, but then I'll have to change it because it's just too sad.
michals: (Joker is busy)
I am drawing and it is making me anxious. Whaaaaaat is wrong with you brain? Seriously.

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