Mar. 10th, 2011

michals: (girlies)
Is it possible to be in a state of sexual stasis? I mean, lately, especially since being in college and most definitely after that whole thing with my one boyfriend, I just do not give a damn about being with anyone. Like, I'm going through an asexual phase or something. I can still look at people and think they're hot or attractive, but as soon as I realize that means being with them - in any form of "being with" - I shut down completely to the idea.

I want to say a big part of it is that right now there are too many things up in the air about my life and I'm so frustrated and preoccupied with just getting by that the thought of putting time and effort into giving that much of a damn about another person like that just makes me feel tired. And if I had to pick romance or my career and dreams, I'd pick the dream every single time. When I was with my one and only boyfriend two years ago I immediately felt like putting effort into just seeing him was too much of a hassle. I think that relationship also kind of turned me off to relationships in general. I hated being "a girlfriend" and all the malarkey that came with it. I guess it doesn't help that he was really overbearing and annoying about the whole thing. He loved being "boyfriend/girlfriend" and I think I just wanted someone to hang out with and kiss every once in a while.

But that doesn't explain why I fell really hard, really fast for two people I was on set with last fall. They were both hot, awesome people - and she was really huggy and touchy to boot - and I had it bad for both. It was just a matter of which one actually played out. But it didn't play out with either and now they're dating each other. But I don't really feel that bad about it, it doesn't feel like a loss, I got over it in about a day. And this whole bisexual thing feels shaky because I know I like both guys and girls but it's really hard to admit that to your gay or straight friends when you have had zero to minimal contact with either gender and don't want to have contact with them anytime soon.

And I'm not even going for people who I would normally be drooling over anymore. My production manager is straight from Ireland, and has that accent. And not like, a touch of an accent or anything, it's full-blown, hardcore, straight up Irish in the worst best way. If you follow me on Tumblr I recently made a post about how I like guys with big, round sleepy eyes like Tim Roth or Alan Tudyk, and this guy has those! They're incredible! And yet...I just don't feel at all as interested as I think I should be. And it's not that he's a jerk or anything, it's me. (Though he did just send me an adorable email where he called me Madam Director and made me laugh so if I do get my libido back anytime soon, he's going to be the first one on my list.) And the weird thing is, I still want other people to find me attractive. I want acknowledgement from others that I'm desirable, but I don't really want to be with them for it. (Although the only people who seem to be into me right now are creepy fat boys with awful pedo mustaches, what is that?)

I haven't lost my drive for all people though. I still have the super hots for a whole laundry list of actors and musicians and such. Maybe that's why I'm not going for people I know? Viggo Mortensen really did ruin me for all men? But I don't think that's actually the problem. So yeah, I have no idea what it is, and maybe in a year I'll be married or something but until then, the only thing that's doing it for me is Warren Beatty with pear juice running down his face in Bonnie and Clyde. UNNNF.

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michals

December 2011

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